


of my mind

by Cyane (orphan_account)



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Depression, Friendship/Love, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Sad Tyler Joseph, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-19 23:28:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12420438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Cyane
Summary: Josh knows things are getting better. Tyler isn't actively suicidal. But he'scasuallysuicidal, and Josh knows that's an entirely different sort of problem.





	of my mind

**Author's Note:**

> honestly 75% of the people on this site are suicidal  
> I swear to god we're all depressed and we use fictional worlds to escape from reality
> 
> so here's a message to all of you and to me
> 
> stay alive  
> and I damn well mean it
> 
> |-/

It happened again.

Josh turned, only to see that Tyler wasn't right behind him. No- his best friend had stopped in the middle of the road, where a truck was barreling through. Tyler had turned to stare blankly as the rusted vehicle skidded across the road, coming right at him.

Josh felt his entire body go numb, and his mouth dropped just a little bit as all the air in his body escaped. He couldn't even voice the hoarse scream of-

_Tyler-!_

He stumbled forward, but he would never make it in time--

There was a loud, gruff yell from the man driving the truck, and an ear-splitting screech as rubber screamed against asphalt, and the man driving slammed on the breaks. The truck came to a stop as the man swerved, slightly, stopping right to the left of where Tyler was still standing. 

Josh gasped a breath of horrified relief as everything stopped and the world continued spinning. "Fuck-" He ran forward, grabbing Tyler's shoulders. The man who had been driving was still yelling frustrated curses. "Tyler, are you okay? Tyler- _Tyler_ -"

Tyler shrugged him off slightly and let himself smile, a little. It worried Josh that it was a real smile.

"I'm fine, Josh."

"Are you motherfucking suicidal, you little brat?" The man yelled, his face turning red. "You deaf or blind or dumb? I coulda' _hit_ you, you moron!" 

Josh was trembling violently, but nodded towards the man. To some degree, he was indefinitely thankful that the man was angry, because it meant the man was worried, which meant the man stopped. It could've all ended if that man hadn't been paying attention.

"I'm so- I'm sorry, sir, he's just... he's just forgetful-"

The man was shaking, too. "Keep an eye on that boy," He muttered, waving a finger at Tyler.

Josh quickly led Tyler out of the middle of the street. Once they reached the pavement, he turned on his best friend, feeling his worry turn to concerned rage. 

"Tyler, what the _hell_?!"

"What?"

"Wha-- _what?_ 'What'?! You almost _died_ -"

Tyler looked slightly irritated. "Josh, I'm fine. The guy stopped."

Damn him. Josh felt his blood boil. "No, _you_ stopped! I told you, you can talk to me! Tyler, that was so close- and- and do you have any goddamn idea what that would do to me? If that guy hadn't stopped so quickly, or if he wasn't concentrating, or if he had been any closer--"

Tyler's blank, angry expression softened into guilt as soon as Josh mentioned himself. 

"Sorry," He mumbled, after a moment. "I wasn't... I..." Tyler sighed, rubbing his hands over his eyes tiredly. "I'm not _suicidal_ , Josh- not right now. I'm good. I feel good... mostly. I just..."

Josh didn't know which would be worse: if Tyler finished that sentence with _force of habit_ , or if he finished it with _wanted to die_. 

"...Sometimes I think that this good stuff is temporary. I mean, I _know_ it's temporary. But I'm practically _happy_ , Josh, and that's- sort of terrifying. I dunno how long it'll last. I dunno how real it is. I just know it'll be over soon, so why shouldn't I... uh. End it on a high note?"

Josh stumbled forward, wrapping his arms around Tyler's neck and pulling him into a tight hug. 

"Tyler, I'm real. This is real. This is the farthest we've ever gotten, this is you being _clean_ , and this is you being happy. This is what we're supposed to feel like." Josh felt Tyler start to shake under him, and he knew he was minutes away from breaking down into tears.

Sometimes Josh was happy, when Tyler cried, because when Tyler was crying, it meant that he was showing that, it meant that he was letting it out, instead of keeping it all bottled up inside of him. When Tyler was crying in front of Josh, it meant he _wasn't_ crying away from Josh, with his arms stained red, and his hands stained black.

"...And I'm not mad at you, man. I'm mad at the fact that you want to leave-- but we are getting better. Not better already, but... we're getting there." 

He felt Tyler's tears start to land on his neck. His best friend's arms hesitantly wrapped around him, as well, and then clutched onto his jacket like a lifeline. 

Josh released a shaky breath. "You think that happiness is the mirage in your mind. But the only mirage is the thought that you'd be better off gone. Because, let me tell you, Tyler Joseph, you make life worth living. Life is shitty, and it hurts, and sometimes it's absolutely hell on Earth. But I'm here because of you."

"I'm here because of _you_ ," Tyler whispered, his voice wavering with tears.

"Then we better keep going for each other, huh?" 

They sat for a moment, holding each other tightly, and then Tyler sort of crumpled. Josh quickly caught him and held him up. "I'm sorry," Tyler said. "God- Josh, I'm sorry- I wasn't even, I wasn't- thinking."

Josh exhaled slowly. "I know, it's okay. This is just- one of those low moments. The important thing is that just like the high moments don't last forever, the low moments don't, either. If it's bad, it'll get better." 

"He'll never leave me," Tyler's voice was barely audible, but Josh heard him fine. "The 'desert of my mind', and all I can see is him. No- no _me,_ no _you_... no metaphorical water," Tyler let out a little hysterical bubble of laughter at the lyrics. "It goes on forever." Josh held on a little tighter.

"Yeah, well, I'm not leaving either. Maybe you can't see me, in your mind, but you can hear me, right?"

"Yeah."

"And you can feel me, right?" Josh pressed his lips to Tyler's forehead.

"...I can feel you, Josh."

"Yeah. And purpose is that 'water'. And right now, I _need_ you to stay alive, Tyler."

They stood there for another minute, before Josh pulled away to get a look at Tyler's face. His eyes were bloodshot, and he had tear tracks down his face, but Josh knew that he looked the same. 

Tyler huffed a small, weak laugh. "Thanks, Josh."

"Let's go home." Josh responded, grabbing Tyler's hand with his own. "And really end today on a high note. And then tomorrow, too. And the day after that." He felt his heart get lighter when Tyler nodded tiredly, and walked beside him on their way back home.

In some ways, being casually suicidal was worse. But really, Josh knew that they'd have their ups and downs-- and if it was one step down and two steps up, they were still going up, and things would still get better.

Someday, he hoped that Tyler would _know_ it, too.


End file.
